So, I’m on record as wanting to avoid political predictions through Tuesday. But Super Bowl predictions are another thing entirely. So here’s my theory, which is its own sort of prediction. The Patriots are better than every other team. There’s really no arguing the point. There’s nuance: the the-rest-of-the-league-is-catching-up school. That’s fine. But nuance isn’t a counterargument. And the Patriots are still better. By a lot. So much better than the rest that I don’t have any interest** in belaboring the point by doing some sort of position-by-positition analysis.
In fact (theory begins here), the Patriots are the ’85 Georgetown Hoyas basketball team. Which is to say, so much better than all the other teams that two things have to happen for the Patriots to lose: their opponent has to play a perfect game, and the Patriots have to be sub-par. The latter happened several times during the season, particularly as it wore on. But no team pulled off the former. The Colts, Ravens, and yes, the Giants came closest. But none played 60 minutes of flawless football.
So the question is: can the Giants play the part of Villanova today?*** Maybe. We’ll have to see (that’s for you, Urbino, you relentless critic). But I doubt it.
And anyway, what I really want to see is a Pterodon, during the first series of the game, swooping down from the skies to hoist Eli Manning off to its lair. I’d also like tsetse flies the size of eagles to carry Archie and Peyton away in their beaks (the flies’, not the Mannings’). I don’t actually want the Mannings killed. Or even wounded. I just want them to stop blighting the landscape of American sports and popular culture. Cooper’s fine with me. He’s had a hard life; I wish him well.
* My wife is from Massachusetts. So save your outrage for someone who cares.
** Or the relevant information, truth be told.
*** There’s no doubt in my mind that Tom Coughlin is even more annoying than Rollie Massimino. The mind boggles at such a thing. But there it is.
51 comments
February 3, 2008 at 2:59 pm
urbino
Maybe. We’ll have to see.
I think Maynard Keynes had something to say about people like you.
February 3, 2008 at 3:03 pm
ari
I deal in the past, my friend. What was is my stock in trade, not what will be.
February 3, 2008 at 3:09 pm
urbino
But history, like the Patriots’ passing game, extends unto the heavens, my friend. If it can’t tell us where we’re going, it’s just last week’s biscuit. (History, that is. Not the Pats’ passing game.)
February 3, 2008 at 3:18 pm
urbino
About to start the national anthem. The Pats are prohibitive favorites to win that.
February 3, 2008 at 3:20 pm
NCProsecutor
HEADS!
February 3, 2008 at 3:26 pm
NCProsecutor
Damn. It was tails.
February 3, 2008 at 3:29 pm
urbino
Yeah, those 20 yrs. of NFL experience really paid off for Feagles. A less experienced punter probably would’ve called heads.
February 3, 2008 at 5:10 pm
ari
At first I thought I was getting a bit of a charge out of seeing Tom Petty perform. Then I noticed that his guitarist (or, I should say, one of his seventeen guitarists) is as old as John McCain. I mean, I expect Tom Petty to be old. Because he is. But having a guitarist wearing Depends in a rock-and-roll band is just weird.
And more than that, why would Fox choose a band that is so resolutely dated. Again, I’m fond of Tom Petty. But it’s just bizarre to think of him in the context of contempoary music. I suppose the answer is simple: for the people in the luxury boxes, Tom Petty is hip. Also: he’s very safe. No nipples on TV.
February 3, 2008 at 6:03 pm
urbino
Zackly.
February 3, 2008 at 6:04 pm
urbino
Wire guy sighted on Super Bowl Cadillac commercial.
February 3, 2008 at 6:05 pm
urbino
Next year it’ll be Rod Stewart doing torch songs at halftime.
February 3, 2008 at 6:07 pm
ben wolfson
That’s a lot of analysis for someone who thinks football sucks, ari.
February 3, 2008 at 6:11 pm
ari
You’re a very bad man, Wolfson. You’ll pay.* If the Pats lose, I’m coming for you.
* Wolfson will not pay.
February 3, 2008 at 6:11 pm
ari
Huh, that was bad.
February 3, 2008 at 6:15 pm
ben wolfson
You’re damn right I won’t pay. In fact I’m still owed money.
February 3, 2008 at 6:15 pm
urbino
Eli gets in on the history of Super Bowl touchdowns.
February 3, 2008 at 6:25 pm
ari
That’s not what I’ve heard, Wolfson. Didn’t you skip out on a tab in DC?
February 3, 2008 at 6:32 pm
ben wolfson
That would seem to support my contention that I won’t pay, ari. Is that the kind of reasoning they teach you in history school?
February 3, 2008 at 6:43 pm
ari
Fair point. And we call it kindergarten. In the original German.
February 3, 2008 at 6:45 pm
ben wolfson
So you call it Kindergarten?
February 3, 2008 at 6:47 pm
ari
Yes. What are your thoughts on the game? Exciting, no?
February 3, 2008 at 6:51 pm
ben wolfson
I’m sitting in a café grading, ari. I haven’t seen a single play.
February 3, 2008 at 6:53 pm
ari
Philistine. Any thoughts on the grading? Exciting, no?
February 3, 2008 at 6:54 pm
ben wolfson
Exciting … to be done! Ho ho ho.
February 3, 2008 at 6:56 pm
ari
The bestest kind of grading is the grading that is the donest.
February 3, 2008 at 7:01 pm
ben wolfson
The better kind of kebab is the kebab that is döner.
February 3, 2008 at 7:07 pm
ari
I should know not to bring my knife to your gunfight. As it were.
February 3, 2008 at 7:12 pm
urbino
All I know is the Pats lost. Hallelu!
February 3, 2008 at 7:13 pm
bitchphd
Oh fuck, is the game over already? Does that mean I should have made an extra pork chop for Mr. B.?
February 3, 2008 at 7:14 pm
urbino
I try never to give marital advice.
February 3, 2008 at 7:15 pm
urbino
My question is: will Hillary be able to spin this to her advantage?
February 3, 2008 at 7:15 pm
ari
Yes. And yes. Also, B, remember what I told you about my predictions. Well, my streak is intact: never right about anything. Ever.
February 3, 2008 at 7:16 pm
ari
No doubt this is not good news for Obama. I kid. Sort of.
February 3, 2008 at 7:19 pm
SEK
BIG BLUE.
That is all.
February 3, 2008 at 7:24 pm
ari
Really? You? Twist the knife, why doncha?
February 3, 2008 at 7:40 pm
urbino
It was the best SB I can remember watching in a long time.
February 3, 2008 at 7:50 pm
bitchphd
Too bad about the pork chop. PK and I have already eaten our dinner and Mr. B. still isn’t home. He can, if he likes, cook his own damn pork chop.
Also we ate all the mushrooms.
February 3, 2008 at 7:54 pm
urbino
Dope fiend.
February 3, 2008 at 8:11 pm
bitchphd
Thanks, urbino. You reminded me that i want a cigarette. Bastard.
February 3, 2008 at 8:23 pm
urbino
Nicotine, too?
Hang on, I need to call Child Services.
February 3, 2008 at 8:24 pm
eric
Welker did have a good game.
February 3, 2008 at 8:24 pm
bitchphd
Don’t forget to mention that he’s up past his bedtime because I promised he could have pie.
February 3, 2008 at 8:32 pm
urbino
Welker did have a good game.
Only because B promised him pie.
February 3, 2008 at 8:33 pm
SEK
Really? You? Twist the knife, why doncha?
What self-respecting Jew ain’t a Giants fan? (Or is this an “I’m from Brooklyn” thing, and you’re going to tell me I have to be a Mets/Jets fans because they rhyme?)
February 3, 2008 at 10:41 pm
ari
Nobody who has lived in New Orleans for any length of time, and has a heart, can root for any team with a Manning at QB. It’s that simple.
February 4, 2008 at 12:31 am
Ben Alpers
I watched the game (which ran from about midnight to 4 am local time) at a party sponsored by the Leipzig Lions, the local American football team.
Since I really don’t like either team, I was mainly rooting for a good game, which finally arrived in the fourth quarter. But I found myself kinda rooting for the Pats, both ’cause I really can’t stand the Giants and because, as a Raiders fans in the early ’70s, I hated that undefeated Dolphins team.
When the Giants ended up winning, I realized that I actually felt mildly satisfied seeing the Pats lose, since, as I said, I really don’t like them.
The entire experience made me realize how much–once my team is out of the postseason–my rooting interest in all sports is built around Schadenfreude. And in that sense, I was going to be satisfied with whoever won last night.
February 4, 2008 at 7:32 am
PorJ
For the “Great Quotes” file:
“As Mike Tyson would say, ‘Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.’ ”
–Michael Strahan, after the Giants punched Tom Brady in the face for most of Super Bowl XLII.
February 4, 2008 at 7:52 am
bitchphd
Classy.
February 4, 2008 at 9:11 am
ari
Strahan really is all about the high-minded poetry. But he played a heckuva game.
February 4, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Drew
so, how’d that pterodon work out for ya?
February 4, 2008 at 1:25 pm
ari
As it happened, not so very well. The republic may crumble beneath the combined weight of all of the commercial footage that will be shot because of back-to-back Manning Superbowl victories. That said, I’ve come around to the idea that it was a great game. And I know that the Giants completely deserved to win.