One of the best things about being a dad, for me at least, is the chance to revisit some of my favorite childhood experiences*. Sadly, George Lucas chose to sully several of these sacred moments when he bowed to Mammon made the Star Wars prequels. Now, I know that shrewder critics have done a much better job** than I ever could documenting Lucas’s hackery. But that doesn’t mean I can’t pile on.
Last weekend, the younger boy, having saved up his screen time for several days***, earned the right to watch an entire movie. Yes, an entire movie! All at once! He wanted to see Episode I, but, because I’m a good father and a patron of the arts, I insisted that he had to sit through Episode IV first. He loved it. Phew. But then he saved up his screen time again, and yesterday he put his foot down. It was time to watch Phantom Menace. “Okay,” I said, “if you really want to waste your afternoon, I’ll sit through it with you.” Big mistake. From the unspooling of the backstory — I’m explaining to the younger boy, “There’s a trade war being fought over taxation. Which has implications for the parliamentary proceedings of the galactic senate.” And thinking to myself, “WTF? Kids are supposed to care about this?” — through the final credits the movie makes absolutely no sense. That said, again, the review linked above does a perfectly good job taking apart the film.
Still, I did want to add that it’s a bit unsettling when you’re watching a movie with a four-year-old and he says, “Daddy, why did Obi Wan say he doesn’t know R2D2 in the other movie?” “Huh, what?” I replied groggily, because naturally I was trying to sleep away the pain. “In the other movie [Episode IV], daddy, Obi Wan tells Luke that he’s never met R2D2. But in this movie [Episode I] R2D2 saves his life.” And the younger boy is right, of course. They make a huge deal of the fact that R2D2 saved the day in Episode I, presumably because Lucas had a new set of action figures he wanted to include in Happy Meals or whatever. But in Episode IV, Ben Kenobi, upon meeting Luke and R2 for the first time, insists that he’s never seen the little droid before. Wait, what? Is Old Ben getting a bit senile? Has he been drinking too much of that purple drank that Aunt Beru served back at the Skywalker Ranch? Or is he just some kind of incredible Jedi ingrate? Who the hell knows.
Anyway, I wanted to tell the younger boy, “Look, kid, I’m sorry to say that capitalism is a cruel system. And George Lucas wanted to cash in this go round rather than tell a well-crafted story. You should prepare yourself for more such disappointments in life.” But instead I mumbled something about the complexities of continuity, and by then there was another light saber fight going on — because like twelve seconds had passed — so he was distracted. But seriously, what’s up with that? Did Lucas not even watch Episodes IV–VI before making the prequels?
And then there’s Jar-Jar’s and Watto’s minstrel show. No comment necessary
* Re-reading A Wrinkle in Time with my older boy? Heaven.
** The creepy stuff about sexual violence notwithstanding. Yuck. Still, the reviews are pretty good primers on storytelling technique.
*** Yes, we test our children’s willpower all the time by placing marshmallows in front of them when they’re hungry. What of it?
28 comments
October 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm
ari
Yo, E, how do you do those footnote thingies?
October 23, 2011 at 1:28 pm
elizardbreath
So are you going to give him a do-over and let him spend the wasted screen time on Empire, or does he have to save up again?
October 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm
ari
You think I should give him a second marshmallow? Even though he couldn’t resist the first one? That wouldn’t be sending the right message, now would it?
October 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm
eric
I can’t believe you did that. I’m so, so sorry. </Tenth Doctor>
Footnotes: separation line is <hr>, thus:
Footnotes are <sup>1</sup>, thus:1
October 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm
ari
I’m not sure I understand. You can show me in person, maybe?
October 23, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Ken Houghton
There is an explanation for the apparent continuity problem, I am told. I am also told it requires watching–or, presumably, Googling–Episodes 2 and 3.
The sole justification for Episode 1 is that Al Yankovic managed to make it bearable in under e/i/g/h/t/ (six, per YouTube) minutes. Since George Lucas’s directing skills are only slightly more refined than Michael Bay’s (indeed, the latter can at least keep a scene, no matter how absurd, moving), show this to your son and explain how derivatives can sometimes be superior to the original product.
(Warning: this should not be used as a lead-in to explaining the Global Financial Crisis.)
October 23, 2011 at 7:22 pm
lancashi
Isn’t the more important question whether the kid enjoyed the movie?
http://www.brightlightsfilm.com/38/clones1.php
When you know what Lucas is doing and why the prequels become a lot more interesting, although Jar Jar is still pretty irritating.
October 23, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Matthew Ernest
1) Jedi lie about everything. E.g. Darth Vader killed Luke’s father “from a certain point of view”.
2) Jedi don’t care about non-Jedi.
3) Obi-wan says “I don’t remember owning any droids”. Which is kinda true… from a certain point of view.
October 24, 2011 at 10:01 pm
andrew
I was disappointed to discover upon re-watching the older movies as an adult that I didn’t think they were all that good anymore.
The newer ones are pretty clearly worse, though.
October 25, 2011 at 12:04 am
urbino
There used to be a pretty amusing animated short of Lucas firing Jar Jar. It seems to have been deleted from the intertubes, though.
Anyway, the real travesty is that Lucas went back and screwed with the original 3.
October 27, 2011 at 4:11 pm
Robert Halford
That link posted by Lancashi is one of the greatest examples of contrarian trolling I have ever seen. Ever.
October 27, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Robert Halford
I mean, it’s incredibly dumb, but genius as trolling.
October 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm
ari
That link posted by Lancashi is one of the greatest examples of contrarian trolling I have ever seen.
Agreed. But it’s even better than that. First there’s, “Isn’t the more important question whether the kid enjoyed the movie?” Yes, Lucas did it for the kids. Thanks. I’m a heel. And then there’s, “When you know what Lucas is doing and why the prequels become a lot more interesting…” Which is the auteur version of Obama playing eleventy-billion dimensional chess. “You couldn’t possibly comprehend the depths of the genius here. But let me give you just a small glimpse, and I think you’ll agree that you were an idiot for ever doubting a prophet like GL.”
October 27, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Moby Hick
If only someone had told me this blog was back.
October 27, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Vance Maverick
Nevertheless: “paean”.
October 27, 2011 at 10:06 pm
ari
Gah, I’m not sure how I managed to not see that, Vance. Anyway, it’s fixed, though my shame endures.
October 27, 2011 at 10:59 pm
eric
Is this blog back, really? Or does it just sort of look that way, if you squint?
October 28, 2011 at 6:18 am
politicalfootball
To the original post: “A New Sith, or Revenge of the Hope explains the whole thing. It turns out that R2D2 and Chewbacca are operating under deep cover, and Obi Wan was being discreet:
October 28, 2011 at 9:49 am
lancashi
@ari,
Wow. Do you usually insult first time commenters? All I asked is whether your kid liked the movie and linked to an analysis of the film that explains some of the thing you’re complaining about. The prequels have their strengths and weaknesses. No-one needs your approval for having an opinion and if you don’t like the post go delete it.
October 28, 2011 at 10:13 am
politicalfootball
He actually doesn’t limit his insults to first-time commenters, lancashi. He’s a spiteful, hateful small-minded person who lets his son watch movies with fascistic undertones.
I’m pretty sure he does this because he hates the Jews.
(I inevitably find an excuse to link that David Brin piece every time Lucas comes up. I’m sure I’ve done it here before.)
October 28, 2011 at 10:19 am
ari
As pf says, lancashi, I’m pretty much an equal-opportunity hater, though I reserve special vitriol for the Jews.
October 28, 2011 at 10:36 am
lancashi
Well… I’ll take David Brin over Robert Halford. He enumbrates his complaints, even if he’s wrong when it comes to the details (the Republic is associated with democratic norms and Lucas is a pacifist not warmonger). Also because Startide Rising is a good read.
October 28, 2011 at 10:36 am
elizardbreath
special vitriol for the Jews.
Blatant favoritism. The vitriol that’s good enough for the common folk not good enough for the Jews, is it?
October 28, 2011 at 11:09 am
Moby Hick
These comments look like shit on IE8. I have no idea why you should care about this. I wouldn’t except it is all I’m allowed on my work computer.
October 28, 2011 at 11:22 am
Josh
The vitriol that’s good enough for the common folk not good enough for the Jews, is it?
There’s a reason we’re called the Chosen People, yo.
October 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Ken Houghton
They look like sh*t in IE7, too, Moby Hick. And I’ll repeat the “I have no idea why you should care about this. I wouldn’t except it is all I’m allowed on my work computer” part, too.
October 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm
politicalfootball
Ah, so it’s the browser! Now I understand why, everywhere I comment, people tell me my comments are like shit.
November 1, 2011 at 9:35 am
Tom Elrod
I wouldn’t except it is all I’m allowed on my work computer.
Why do some offices think that forcing employees to use IE is a good idea?
This is what’s wrong with America.