Today, Phil Mickelson struck a blow for monogamy and all that is right about America. With the vile Tiger Woods (I mean, how dare he not serve as a paragon of good behavior like Charles Barkley once did?) vanquished and Mickelson wrapped in the arms of his loving wife, no one in this country will ever cheat on a spouse again. Better still, Mickelson’s triumph at Augusta National Golf Club, long recognized as one of this nation’s great social engineering projects, means that African-American children will, going forward, grow up in intact families. Our teeming ghettos are filled with laughter and singing tonight.
13 comments
April 11, 2010 at 7:28 pm
big bad wolf
ari, this brought tears to my eyes. god bless, america.
April 11, 2010 at 8:21 pm
Western Dave
Aw, c’mon dude. I don’t like the Phil but his wife and mom getting the Big C at the same time? And that cute pink ribbon he put on his cap will cure everybody, always and forever. It’s not just about monogamy for black people, it’s about saving women’s lives so they can be excluded from country clubs too.
April 11, 2010 at 8:47 pm
ben
god bless, america.
Kind of presumptuous.
April 11, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Robin Marie
Just wanted to say I really appreciated this post. Thanks.
April 12, 2010 at 2:07 am
kid bitzer
sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?
you lie!
i know at least three other forms that are lower. i myself have descended far lower than sarcasm–it is only the how you say ” continental shelf” of low humor. jacques cousteau and i explored vast abysses, in a pressure-resistant laphosphere, photographing the mysterious denizens of the deep. there are nameless humor horrors lurking there, shaggy dog-fish and pelagic palindromes. we almost glimpsed a free-swimming benny-hill bum joke, but it dove out of our lights before we could be sure.
and despite what we reported to the press, we never found a sea floor. we reached the safe limits of our laphosphere, and had to surface. for all we know, there is no lowest wit, until you reach the earths very core. but this possibility was too horrible to breathe aloud.
April 12, 2010 at 2:29 am
Walt
Breathing while typing counts, kid.
April 12, 2010 at 2:51 am
kid bitzer
no no, i typed that all in a breathless tone. as part of our preparation for the descent, we practiced anoxic dactylography.
April 12, 2010 at 3:22 am
Malaclypse
Breathing while typing counts, kid.
You know who else breathed while he typed? Jonah Goldberg, that’s who!
April 12, 2010 at 4:09 am
kevin
You know who else breathed while he typed? Jonah Goldberg, that’s who!
Truth, but that was mostly through his mouth.
April 12, 2010 at 11:50 am
Fats Durston
I think you’re taking away the wrong message away from Wright. IT’S THEM WOMEN’S WHAT’S PATHOLOGICAL WANTIN’ TO CORRUPT THE PURITY OF MAN AND SPORT AND PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS. EBIL, I TELLS YA. EEEEBIIILLL. Aw, Christ, I forgot the Negro woman, Amurika’s most pathological specimen of all. Like the debbil made flesh, with their matriarchy so out of line with the rest of the American society, that they seriously retard the progress of the group as a whole, not to mention the nation. Did Tiger sleep with any negresses?
April 12, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Sir Charles
Last night as I was getting the dinner ready (no really) and watching Mickelson wrap up the Masters and then give a huge hug to his wife, I says to my own wife, “wife, you just know that some fuckstick is going to write a column tomorrow contrasting Tiger’s fate with that of Phil, the good and faithful husband.” It was inevitable.
But that piece by Wright is really special.
Could I just note that Woods, after a several month layoff, waltzed in to the toughest tournament out there and finished fourth, which isn’t exactly shabby. Oh, and it was the highest rated Masters in terms of television audience ever — I assume Woods being there was just a coincidence.
Strangely enough, being the greatest at something — and I mean being better than any human being who has ever lived on the planet — requires a kind of single-mindedness that isn’t necessarily conducive to being a fully rounded human being or even a nice guy. Why is this surprising?
April 12, 2010 at 12:23 pm
dana
It strikes me that the takeaway that Woods could easily get is “Yeah, I can screw around on my wife, take several months off and still beat most of the field.”
Not exactly the most sterling of lessons learned
April 12, 2010 at 9:03 pm
THE CON
Really? Tiger?………..