Baroness Finlay of Llandaff: I thank the noble Lord for his reply. How many calls have there been to the mouse helpline? Has the accuracy of that information been checked, given that the staff report seeing mice on a daily basis at the moment in the eating areas? Has consideration been given to having hypoallergenic cats on the estate, given the history? Miss Wilson, when she was a resident superintendent in this Palace, had a cat that apparently caught up to 60 mice a night. The corpses were then swept up in the morning. Finally, does the noble Lord recognise the fire hazard that mice pose, because they eat through insulating cables? It would be a tragedy for this beautiful Palace to burn down for lack of a cat.
The Chairman of Committees: My Lords, there are a number of questions there. I cannot give an answer to the number of calls made to the mouse helpline-if that is its title. I suspect that it would not be a good use of resources to count them up. But I am well aware of the problem of mice, as I said in my Answer. It is something that we take seriously.
As for getting a cat, I answered a Question from the noble Lord, Lord Elton, last week on this matter. I was not aware that such a thing as a hypoallergenic cat existed-I do not know whether our cat at home is one of those. There are a number of reasons why it is not a good idea to have cats. First, they would ingest mouse poison when eating poisoned mice, which would not be very nice for them, and there would be nothing to keep them where they are needed or stop them walking around the House on desks in offices or on tables in restaurants and bars-and maybe even in the Chamber itself. Therefore, we have ruled out at this stage the possibility of acquiring a cat, or cats.
Further discussion reveals interesting insights into mouse psychology:
As I speak here this afternoon, the Bishops’ Bar and the Guest Room are being hoovered, so we can get rid of the food scraps from lunch. If you were a mouse, you would rather eat the crumbs of a smoked salmon sandwich than the bait.
Some low-grade British snottiness undone by some rather high-grade British self-deprecation:
Lord Pilkington of Oxenford: Why should I and noble Lords trust the Executive to deal with mice when they cannot deal with the economy?
The Chairman of Committees: My Lords, I do not actually deal with the economy. I am glad to say that that would be above my pay grade, whereas trying to deal with the mice is probably just about right for me.
And, finally, the awesome revelation of a “mouse helpline,” if an ineffective one:
Indeed, I invited Members of the House to telephone when they saw mice. The trouble is that when the person at the other end of the helpline goes to check this out, very often the mouse has gone elsewhere.
Truly, the sun never sets on the British empire.
16 comments
April 1, 2010 at 5:58 pm
ekogan
The most surprising thing about this is that it is *not* an April Fools joke
April 1, 2010 at 6:00 pm
andrew
For want of a cat, the parliament was lost.
April 1, 2010 at 8:28 pm
joel hanes
My most favorite bits of Hansard are this one,
http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld200203/ldhansrd/vo030506/text/30506-02.htm
starting half-way down at “Food Containers: Safety 2.53 p.m.”
and the very next section, at
http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld200203/ldhansrd/vo030506/text/30506-03.htm
“Unsolicited e-mails 2.59 p.m”
I think I’d rather form a mental picture of the Baroness Strange than see a photo.
April 2, 2010 at 4:29 am
dana
It’s really impossible to read this without imagining in the style of one of the Narnia books. Bother! I’ve left my new cat in Narnia.
April 2, 2010 at 4:35 am
redfoxtailshrub
There is something about “which would not be very nice for them” that makes it the ultimate highlight of this for me.
April 2, 2010 at 4:54 am
KC
This sounds an awful lot like my job.
GW students are apparently all the offspring of Lord Pilkington of Oxenford.
April 2, 2010 at 9:22 am
elizardbreath
I like the parade of horribles — cats on desks! Cats in the Chamber itself!
Reminiscent of the Thurber “Pet Department” (quoted from memory, because I can’t find it online):
Q: We have cats the way most people have mice.
A: I can’t tell if you require assistance, or are just bragging.
April 2, 2010 at 10:13 am
dave
Already done to death at Crooked Timber, if it matters…
April 2, 2010 at 10:14 am
silbey
Already done to death at Crooked Timber, if it matters
I believe that Kieran has anointed *us* as the hip scholarly blog, so if it ain’t here, it hasn’t happened yet.
April 2, 2010 at 12:06 pm
jrc
Re: Problems with English Animals (Large Animal Digression)
Might I suggest they just use an old English tactic for dealing with animals that get in the way… this the result of groundbreaking economic history research at a public university on the edge of the west, finally shared with the neighbors across the concrete courtyard:
From the Hertford Assizes, 23 July 1593:
Garrett, Joan, of Hatfield, spinster, indicted for murder by witchcraft. On 3-, Oct. 1592 at Hatfield she bewitched Margery Hawkes, so that she languished until 18, Nov. 1592 and then died.
On 10 Apr. 1592 at Hatfield she bewitched Christopher Penifather, so that he languished until 31 Oct. 1592 and then died.
On 4 June 1591 at Hatfield she bewitched a horse belonging to William Marshall.
On 1 May 1586 at Hatfield she bewitched Agnes Clark, so that she languished until 1 Aug. 1591 and then died.
On 24 Aug. 1591 at Hatfield she bewitched Susan Clark, so that she languished until 30 Jan. 1592 and then died.
Guilt on the third count only; imprisoned for one year.
April 2, 2010 at 5:45 pm
rea
I’m only an ignorant foriegner, but it astonishes me that the Bishops have their own bar. Nice food–smoked salmon sandwiches–loaves and fish, very symbolic–but I wonder what’s on tap?
April 3, 2010 at 3:44 am
chris y
rea, this stuff, I imagine. (It’s a damn good pint.)
April 3, 2010 at 6:58 am
herbert browne
Thanks for that link, chris y! It is heartening to know that, somewhere, someone is still collecting bottle caps to get something “for free”. (Ruddles & Old Speckled Hen sound like something you’d get from ‘the spinal tap’…) ^..^
April 3, 2010 at 7:48 pm
ben
There is something about “which would not be very nice for them” that makes it the ultimate highlight of this for me.
Agreed.
April 3, 2010 at 8:50 pm
kathy a.
i really like the conversation on spam, linked by joel. what’s not to love about a governmental proceeding that can move easily from tinned corned beef injuries to unwanted email, with a side of monty python?
April 3, 2010 at 8:57 pm
andrew
I quite like the need to specify “cat, or cats” as if ruling out the singular does not necessarily rule out the plural.
[Also, if I may plead, would anyone be willing to help me track down a couple of articles online? My university’s subscription runs one year too short for this particular topic.]