Oh sure, now Ari’s going to say Lincoln was the greatest president because he killed vampires.
But I ask you, cui bono? Come on, sheeple. We all know why Lincoln killed vampires.
It’s because he was a zombie. No one denies this.
The WPA were onto him, man. And you haven’t seen him since, have you?
(with thanks or blame to commenter kevin)
The Edge of the American West 
34 comments
March 2, 2010 at 10:01 am
kevin
You’re welcome, America.
Don’t worry, Eric. In response, I’m drafting my own novel which will reveal that FDR was really the secret leader of the Transformers. The working title is “The New Wheel,” but I’m also considering “Franklin Delano Rollsevelt.”
March 2, 2010 at 11:33 am
Crimson05er
Couldn’t you pitch FDR as a Professor Xavier type leader of an X-Men Squad composed of New Dealers?
Harry Hopkins — the Power of Relief!
Henry Wallace — the Power of Corn Hybridization!
Harold Ickes — the Power of Pro-Public Works Radio Oration!
Frances Perkins could be the one who shoots lightning out of her eyes.
March 2, 2010 at 11:52 am
kevin
Couldn’t you pitch FDR as a Professor Xavier type leader of an X-Men Squad composed of New Dealers?
Intriguing.
They’d need flashy names to go along with the powers. Wallace could be The Cornhusker, with the ability to shoot stalks of corn out of his hands. Ickes would be Interior Man, a telepath with a barbed wit. Perkins would naturally be Security Girl*, who could generate force fields to keep average Americans falling through holes. Hopkins is tough to nail down — maybe The Builder or something? Also, Hugh Johnson would have to be The Blue Eagle, of course, with the ability to fly and intimidate merchants with his powers of peer pressure.
They’d fight the Liberty League for a few years, and then go kick some Nazi ass.
*This was the 1930s, and almost all female superheroes were “girls.”
March 2, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Crimson05er
Brilliant stuff, Kevin. Love it. The Blue Eagle, the Interior Man? Spot on.
Perhaps Cordell Hull could be The Good Neighbor, with pheromone-based abilities to sway diplomats to his side?
Henry Morgenthau as the Bretton Woodsman, with his Debt-Chopping Axe?
Rex Tugwell could be The Lifeguard.
George Peek could be a rogue ex-member — The Adjuster.
Naturally there would be villains of the week. “Kingfish” Huey and his Cajun minions menacing New Orleans party patronage. Perhaps take on the mysterious “Nine Magistrates” in the Adventure of the Unpacked Court.
March 2, 2010 at 12:44 pm
kevin
Excellent. I think we’ve struck a goldmine, Crimson05er.
For the Supreme Court, the villains have to be The Four Horsemen. The Kingfish would be a terrific Kingpin-like character. The hypnotizing powers of The Radio Priest would make for another great villain.
There could also be a series of exploits where they ally themselves with other heroes of the era, with varying degrees of cooperation. John L. Lewis would be the Uniter, whose powers include incredible persuasion and amazing stretching eyebrows, for instance.
Or maybe these heroes could eventually team up with their earlier counterparts like Teddy Roosevelt, the Rough Rider; John Sherman, the Trust Buster; and William Jennings Bryan, the Golden Cross. And, of course, William Howard Taft, better known as The Blob.
I’ll set up a lunch with Stan Lee and get back to you.
March 2, 2010 at 12:49 pm
Western Dave
And Marriner Eccles – the Mormon?
March 2, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Steve
I think we may be missing the big story here — the long-overdue historical resurrection of the League of Extraordinary Republicans — The Homesteader, “Icebox” Bill, and of course The Stantonator.
As for Abe, how is this news? Did anyone really think he split rails because he needed to _build_ something?
March 2, 2010 at 1:18 pm
silbey
George Marshall: The General.
March 2, 2010 at 5:38 pm
kevin
I’ve spoken with Eric in his secure location, and he points out that we’ve neglected a key figure — Raymond Moley, the architect of the Brain Trust who quickly turned against the New Deal and became its fiercest critic. He’d absolutely have to be in the mix.
Not sure what his supervillain persona would be, though. In light of his screed After Seven Years, maybe The Seven Year Bitch? Or something simpler like The Brain Buster?
March 2, 2010 at 6:02 pm
TF Smith
ER: “Superdeb”? …because “Settlement House Woman” just doesn’t sing…
GCM has to be “The Organizer” (and since Malin Craig was actually was the first COS Roosevelt got to select, he should be “The Chief”…)
EJK: “Blowtorch”
Standley: “The Admiral”
Leahy: “Sandpiper”
Additional villains:
“Dugout”
“Cactus Jack” (aka The Spitter)
“The Lone Eagle”
“The Engineer”
“The Chemist” (aka Mystery)
“The Businessman”
“Gangbuster”
March 2, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Urk
Excellent ya’ll. This made my night. (walks off, chuckling to himself) “interior man…heh.
March 2, 2010 at 6:57 pm
andrew
The Reanimation Proclamation has gone unnoticed for too long.
March 2, 2010 at 7:31 pm
Crimson05er
Great stuff, all. Love the names, TF Smith. Suggestions of “Golden Age” older leagues of heroes — amazing!
I thought Eleanor might be “Matriarch.”
And good call on Moley. Didn’t they used to call him “the Owl”? Brain Buster’s brilliant.
Every time Moley appears Ickes should go “Holy Moley!” and “That fink!” while shaking his fist.
Clearly Moley would throw ink-smeared copies of Newsweek at our heroes while cackling, “The only thing you have to fear is me!”
Dr. Townsend would make an infuriatingly slow-moving villain, The Pensioner.
I feel like Nelson Rockefeller could be the whiny kid in a baseball cap who begs to be taken along for the adventure. “Here, kid, go look for Nazis over there in Mexico. This adventure’s for grown ups.”
Also, I can imagine a pulse-pounding B-story line where Librarian of Congress Archibald MacLeish battles Ezra Pound on top of a speeding Italian train with the fate of Democracy in the balance. Or least modern verse.
March 3, 2010 at 8:35 am
kevin
Brilliant all around. Cactus Jack, the Chemist and the Pensioner, in particular.
Maybe Al Smith could be an insane Joker-like madman named The Happy Warrior?
March 3, 2010 at 8:49 am
Doctor Science
I thought Eleanor might be “Matriarch.”
Nah, that was her mother-in-law.
Besides, motherhood wasn’t really her superpower — seeing inside the hearts of others *was*. So, she’s Jean Gray.
Now Jean was originally called “Marvel Girl” (gag me), but I think Eleanor should be “Awesome Lady” — known to her enemies as That Woman.
March 3, 2010 at 8:54 am
Kim
Harry Truman – The Mole. Lurking in the shadows, digging in the dirt, unnoticed, unappreciated, yet inexplicably, against all odds, ends up on the top of the mountain.
March 3, 2010 at 10:16 am
kevin
Intriguing, Kim.
Or he could be the Haberdasher, with lightning fast running speed and the ability to throw his killer fedora like Oddjob from Goldfinger.
March 3, 2010 at 10:38 am
Crimson05er
I like those ideas, Kim and Kevin. Truman as the meek, silent, mole-like Haberdasher assassin. Always striking from the shadows. Strangling people with a measuring tape. Unblinking behind his glasses and bowler. Offers his opponents a “Fair Deal” before fights.
He reports to “The Machine” — which is actually a Pendergast Robot!
I guess Hyde Park (or Warm Springs?) would be the Fortress of Solitude.
As “the Engineer,” Hoover could be a tragic story of heroism gone wrong through hubris. “The Engineered Man” thinks he’s saving the populace through his Progressive Efficiency but ends up wreaking havoc. Our heroes have to trap him in a giant dam as a prison.
I feel like Upton Sinclair would be a swamp-thing like glob of raked muck and oil simply known as EPIC.
Milo Reno would be the vigilante “Holiday,” who hijacks milk shipments by whacking truck drivers upside the head with a picnic basket.
March 3, 2010 at 11:19 am
dave
If this discussion were any lamer, we’d have to take it out to the back paddock and shoot it. Just so’s you know.
March 3, 2010 at 11:30 am
Sir Charles
Surely there has to be room for the villanous trio “Martin, Barton & Fish.”
March 3, 2010 at 3:10 pm
kid bitzer
instead of this thread, could we have a thread about why it is sacrilegious to consider replacing grant by reagan on the $50. bill?
it’s bad enough that they tried to rename washington national airport. (i say “tried”, because i am not alone in refusing to call it by the name of that traitorous, constitution-defiling, race-baiting monster).
it would be even worse if they were to paste that bastard’s name and face over a true american hero whose cavalry boots he was not worthy to lick.
March 3, 2010 at 3:11 pm
kid bitzer
instead of or in addition to, of course.
March 3, 2010 at 3:19 pm
eric
I, for one, think this thread is the bestest.
March 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm
kid bitzer
oh, well: sure.
i mean–my suggestion for a new thread should in no way be construed as casting any unflattering light on an extended discussion of how to compare various members of the roosevelt cabinet to superheroes. what could be better than that?
and if nothing could be better than that, then it is ipso facto the bestest.
March 3, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Malaclypse
This just means Jonah Goldberg’s next book will be about how liberals are the real vampires.
March 3, 2010 at 5:18 pm
ben
Harry Truman – The Mole. Lurking in the shadows, digging in the dirt, unnoticed, unappreciated, yet inexplicably, against all odds, ends up on the top of the mountain.
The spit and image!
March 3, 2010 at 5:21 pm
kevin
what could be better than that?
Clearly, nothing.
Now, if you have a few more hours, I’d like to discuss my plans for a side project involving a series of detective stories centered on Budget Director Lewis Williams Douglas…
March 3, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Crimson05er
You could make a whole spin-off series about the Bureau of the Budget, but darker and grittier. (Isn’t that how they’re pitching everything these days?)
Film noir style maybe. Hard-boiled, morally ambiguous narrative for the budget-proposal and operational memorandum set. “West Wing Nights.”
“Behind every budget circular, under every number, there’s a story. I tried to bury myself in a bottle and forget, but I couldn’t. It all started with a dame . . . A dame with a gun and a FY ’38 Budget reconciliation request.”
March 4, 2010 at 1:08 am
dave
You’re all going to live on a farm, where you’ll be able to run free all day….
March 4, 2010 at 12:46 pm
onymous
Harry Truman – The Mole.
Who, oddly enough, works from a hidden lair known as the Bat Tub.
March 4, 2010 at 6:43 pm
andrew
whole spin-off series about the Bureau of the Budget, but darker and grittier
The 1949 film The Undercover Man, about the Treasury agents investigating Capone (who was not mentioned by name, but called something like the “Big Fella”) is kind of in this vein. Actually, a number of crime films, if not noir films, from the 30s and 40s are about or involve Treasury agents (though they act more of less like cops).
March 4, 2010 at 6:45 pm
andrew
Oh, and in completely the other direction, there’s an Eddie Cantor film from 1937 Ali Baba Goes to Town that’s an odd satire of the New Deal set against an Arabian Nights-esque backdrop.
March 5, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Ben Alpers
Truly a great thread!
How could you forget the Radio Priest, who first supports, then turns against the New Dealers? (His superpower is being able to communicate simultaneously with tens of millions of people using his Little Flower)
Or the Aviator, leading spokesman of America First?
There’s really no end to this….
EPIC Man and his failed quest to be elected Governor of California.
And somehow you’d need to work Orson Welles into this….
March 12, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Prodigal
The game Deadlands had a reanimated Lincoln as one of its important Non-Player Characters.