Magic! It’s gonna change the way we do the things we do everyday! A single piece of multi-touch glass! You don’t have to change yourself; it will fit you! It will wipe your ass if you ask nicely! Order-of-magnitude-more-powerful apps! It just feels right! Hunting and killing hobos has never been easier! To hold the internet in your hands as you surf it! Tap it! Tap that ass! It’s completely natural! Like arsenic! Or strychnine! Just do! The best way! The correct orientation! Huh? FUN!!!!! Reading an e-book is such a pleasure! Now we have three phenomenal stores on the iPad! Your jowls will never again smell like gravy! No problem! The most advanced piece of technology! The largest multi-touch! You really feel the power that multi-touch can offer! Really? Wow! This is a really vibrant display! This product responds so well! Apple’s the one place that you can really do this! Okay? An affordable price! Steal this e-book! That’s really exciting! Millions and millions of people are going to be instantly familiar with it! We’re manufacturing consent more efficiently than ever before! In many ways, this defines our vision of what’s next! It will replace you in the labor force before you can draw another breath, bitch!
It goes without saying that I’m buying one the minute they’re avaible.
The Edge of the American West 
19 comments
January 27, 2010 at 5:10 pm
eric
I feel guilty, but I am still laughing at this.
January 27, 2010 at 5:13 pm
kevin
I heard this post as sung to the tune of Tom Waits’ “Step Right Up.”
January 27, 2010 at 5:16 pm
ari
The classy move would have been to quote the video only, I know. But I couldn’t help myself. What can I say? I lack class.
January 27, 2010 at 5:31 pm
silbey
God, you’re awesome.
January 27, 2010 at 5:49 pm
zunguzungu
…It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking. It’s a friend, and it’s a companion, and it’s the only product you will ever need. Follow these easy assembly instructions, it never needs ironing. Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff, Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job. And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange, and it gives you denture breath. And you know it’s a friend, and it’s a companion. And it gets rid of your traveler’s checks. It’s new, it’s improved, it’s old-fashioned. Well it takes care of business, never needs winding, never needs winding, never needs winding. Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis. Christ, you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy, C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon…
January 27, 2010 at 5:50 pm
zunguzungu
Dangit, Kevin got there first. Always read the comments before posting.
January 27, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Sir Charles
I personally was hearing the end of the Tubes “What do you Want from Life.” “A Dynagym – I’ll personally demostrate it in the comfort of your own home . . . .”
Well done as always ari.
January 27, 2010 at 6:11 pm
Fats Durston
Someone’s been reading his Lester Bangs…
January 27, 2010 at 8:25 pm
joel hanes
Winnebagoes ? We’re _giving_ them away …
January 27, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Urk
Sir Charles, that’s excellent! Especially because of the last line…
January 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm
Urk
oops- meaning the last line in “what do you want from life.” Anyway, I don’t think I’ve thought about that song in at least 15 years, but there was a time when it was required weekly listening.
January 27, 2010 at 9:58 pm
SEK
[say anything]YOU MUST CHILL! YOU! MUST! CHILL![/say anything]
January 27, 2010 at 11:56 pm
TommyO
Davis, CA – In the wake of Apple’s recent announcement unveiling its new e-Reader, the iPad, the History department at U.C. Davis today pledged to limit the required reading for all its graduate seminars to those books available through Apple’s online store by 2011. “We’re all in, the future is now” said Professor Ari Kelman, the department’s Graduate Program Chair. “What’s more, we see this as the answer to our current fiscal crisis.”
January 28, 2010 at 4:41 am
Jason B.
Your jowls will never again smell like gravy!
Aw. I’ll miss that.
January 28, 2010 at 11:08 am
Erik Lund
Forget it. It’s more of a Shelbyville idea.
January 28, 2010 at 11:24 am
Sir Charles
Urk,
Ah yes. “a baby’s arm holding an apple.” And where have you gone Randy Mantooth?
January 28, 2010 at 3:30 pm
bitchphd
I’m embarrassed to say that since/because Mr. B. has offered to buy me one I’m kinda tempted to take him up on it.
January 30, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Martha Bridegam
Just wanted to thank you for this.
January 30, 2010 at 8:31 pm
ari
You’re very welcome. And b, as I said in the OP, I’m getting one the minute they come out, though I’m going to wait for the 3G machine. Because that’s how I roll.