Thesis:  The only thing more annoying than Valentine’s Day advertisements and garish displays of red and pink* are the complaints about the holiday where people endorse the very commercial and patriarchal values promoted by commercials that they purport to reject by getting upset over the day.

Slightly more defensible thesis:  Since Valentine’s Day is, by and large, a holiday that while not fake**, unmoored from other cultural traditions, there is very little social cost to ignoring it.  Thus, do not let it make you upset!  This one is up to you, so to speak.

Most defensible thesis:  I’m being a dick.  (No wonder I’m not getting any flowers!!!) But I find it curious that one effect of the day is return everyone*** involved to the popular caricature of the 1950s; either one is the popular cheerleader getting flowers from the quarterback, or one is her plain best friend whom no one loves, or a geek who gets sand kicked in the face while being shoved into the locker who has no one to love.  Everyone adopts the attitudes appropriate to those roles, even if they would not normally endorse them.

Poem for putting up with my indefensible thesis:

MISER Catulle, desinas ineptire,
et quod vides perisse perditum ducas.
fulsere quondam candidi tibi soles,
cum ventitabas quo puella ducebat
amata nobis quantum amabitur nulla.
ibi illa multa tum iocosa fiebant,
quae tu volebas nec puella nolebat.
fulsere vere candidi tibi soles.
nunc iam illa non volt: tu quoque inpotens noli,
nec quae fugit sectare, nec miser uiue,
sed obstinata mente perfer, obdura.
vale, puella. iam Catullus obdurat,
nec te requiret nec rogabit inuitam.
at tu dolebis, cum rogaberis nulla.
scelesta, uae te, quae tibi manet uita!
quis nunc te adibit? cui videberis bella?
quem nunc amabis? cuius esse diceris?
quem basiabis? cui labella mordebis?
at tu, Catulle, destinatus obdura.

Catullus needs a hug and a box of chocolate.  Or some sex.


*These colors clash.  Badly.

**As opposed to all of the other holidays, which reflect the Platonic forms of observance.****

***Universe of Discourse: those annoying me.

****In favor of Valentine’s Day: the Platonic forms do not normally involve half-priced chocolate.