This list demonstrates why I will never call myself a “pet person”:

10. On the difficult journey, on the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can’t bear to watch. Don’t make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there. Because I love you so.

I expect that intended effect of this list is to make me feel warm with stewardship toward my pet (which I will demonstrate by standing nearby when they euthanize her?), but I’m looking here at my cat, who is curled up on my textbooks like some twee illustrated precious moment*, and thinking that it’s good, if this list is representative of pet speech, that she is mute, for I could not easily reconcile this attribution of self-awareness, deep love for me, and desire for self-preservation with the fact that she regularly wakes me up in the morning by purring while she chews on the cord of the alarm clock.

*Actually, given that it’s a copy of Four-Dimensionalism, it’s less twee and more like a live illustration of Tibbles the cat.