On this day in 1812, the United States declared war on Great Britain, beginning this nation’s least interesting military conflict. And that’s all I have to say about that.
* No offense to any War of 1812 vets out there — especially you, Senator McCain. Apologies also to my colleague, Alan Taylor, who’s writing what I’m sure will be the definitive treatment of the War of 1812. I mean, how could it not be?
The Edge of the American West 
66 comments
June 19, 2008 at 3:20 am
andrew
This is so, so wrong.
June 19, 2008 at 4:01 am
Hermenautic Circle blog » America’s Most Boring War
[…] Quick Study on 19 Jun 2008 Ari Kelman at The Edge of the American West: […]
June 19, 2008 at 4:08 am
The Modesto Kid
who’s
“whose”
June 19, 2008 at 4:31 am
wren
Forget McCain. How about the sensibilities of the Canadian-Americans that make up a significant part of your readership?
Compare and contrast. Henry Clay and Dick Cheney.
Maple Syrup? Sweetener or bioagent transport mechanism.
Counterfactual. Canadians win! Discuss.
June 19, 2008 at 4:59 am
albiondia
Yeah, a little more transnational sensitivity wouldn’t hurt. And it’s fashionable too, dontchaknow. Your British reader(s?) over here don’t want to feel like we’ve been squeezed out of the EotAW tent on the grounds of mundanity.
June 19, 2008 at 6:07 am
iain
It gave Patrick O’Brian some good plots, though…
June 19, 2008 at 6:26 am
eric
I think the Canadians did win. Or they did if you ask the Canadians.
June 19, 2008 at 6:39 am
Kieran
Sure, “least intrinsically interesting” is one metric for “most boring war”. But I propose we consider an alternative measure, namely “responsible for the production of the largest net quantity of boredom, and bores”. On this measure, the War of 1812 seems quite harmless, and the Civil War is certainly America’s most boring war.
June 19, 2008 at 6:41 am
dware
Hereabouts (Arkansas) the War of 1812 is venerated because of the modest in-migration that resulted from veterans of the war being offered land in the Arkansas Territory (sometimes thought of as Baja Missouri). Our first territorial governor, James Miller, was one of the heroes of 1812–a New Englander who during the battle of Lundy’s Lane was told to attempt a forlorn-hope assault on a British artillery battery. When told to do this, Miller replied “I’ll try, sir,” and succeeded.
So, we have a Canada-whacker as our first Chief Executive. No wonder the anti-NAFTA whining around here is directed both north and south.
June 19, 2008 at 6:45 am
The Modesto Kid
At least we got an overture out of it.
June 19, 2008 at 7:22 am
kid bitzer
but kieran, you’re forgetting to factor in the number of bores generated.
and by that measure, wwii certainly brought us the greatest generation.
of bores.
June 19, 2008 at 7:26 am
Cala
I always liked the War of 1812 more when I realized it was essentially the Napoleonic Wars from an American perspective. It’s like trying to understand WWII while ignoring the Axis and the Allies.
I liked it more once I discovered a song by an Edmonton comedy band whose name is completely escaping me. The song is entitled ‘The War of 1812’ and celebrates Canada’s invasion with the words:
And the White House burned, burned, burned!
And we’re the ones that did it!
It burned, burned, burned!
While the President ran and cried!
The Internet tells me it’s by Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, and it’s here!
June 19, 2008 at 7:27 am
PorJ
Any war that could spawn a Billboard Hot 100 Number 1 Single for six weeks can’t be all bad, right? Let’s see you popularize some history!
June 19, 2008 at 7:34 am
Galvinji
“whose”
“Who’s” (contraction for “who is”) is correct. [/pedantry]
Forget McCain. How about the sensibilities of the Canadian-Americans that make up a significant part of your readership?
Ari is himself a Canadian-American, clearly a self-hating one.
Any war that could spawn a Billboard Hot 100 Number 1 Single for six weeks can’t be all bad, right?
Was “The Ballad of the Green Berets” a number one single, too? And “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” (Joan Baez version)? Fortunately, no one seems to have written any songs about the Spanish-American War, at least to my knowledge.
June 19, 2008 at 7:44 am
Kieran
Fortunately, no one seems to have written any songs about the Spanish-American War, at least to my knowledge.
You are forgetting “Kung-Fu Fighting.” I’ll acknowledge that my reading of the lyrics is unorthodox, but still.
June 19, 2008 at 8:22 am
drip
Gosh, the Old Line State gets even less respect than Canada here. Where do you think Dolly Madison ran with that stuff? Without the Battle of North Point , we’d all be speaking English like they have to in parts of Canada. There would be no Star Spangled Banner!
June 19, 2008 at 8:25 am
eric
When I taught at <mumblemumble> they divided the general course in American history at 1815. Clearly they regarded the war of 1812 much as Cala indicates; also, people generally make the case that this war was the last act of the American wars of independence.
June 19, 2008 at 8:41 am
The Commander Guy
Wasn’t Andrew Jackson the hero of that war?
June 19, 2008 at 8:51 am
albiondia
If is where I think it is, then it’s changed pretty recently. I think the courses are now 1630-1812 and 1776-1877. The first has a subtitle about something ‘…to Independence’, which to my mind reflects a growing interest in contested and nuanced nationalism in the (very) early republic. But you’re right about it being taught in the context of a first-first world war. If you see what I mean.
With the older demarcation, I think there’s a little sleight of hand between domestic and international politics, positing a kind of rough equivalence between the Battle of New Orleans and the failure of the Hartford Convention that unshackled a new, virulent American nationalism. The Jackson narrative helps.
June 19, 2008 at 9:04 am
eric
Boy, not even <mumblemumble> has any respect for tradition anymore.
June 19, 2008 at 9:32 am
The Modesto Kid
The Spanish-American War gets its mention in “With God On Our Side” — hardly top-40 material but still.
June 19, 2008 at 9:39 am
jim
The 1812 War inspired a Talking Heads song, too.
June 19, 2008 at 9:40 am
ari
It did?
June 19, 2008 at 9:49 am
jim
“Burning Down the House.”
June 19, 2008 at 10:04 am
ari
Ah.
June 19, 2008 at 10:06 am
Fontana Labs
Few people realize that “psycho killer” was about Dolley Madison.
June 19, 2008 at 10:59 am
blueollie
I like the comment about what the Canadians think. I visited Ottawa in 2000 and was surprised to see how the Canadians views this war; they saw it as war of US aggression and as a victory for them.
June 19, 2008 at 11:05 am
drip
I think Dolley’s song was “Stay up all Night” “Psycho Killer” was for Andrew Jackson:
Réalisant mon espoir
Je me lance vers la gloire
June 19, 2008 at 11:11 am
zunguzungu
There’s actually quite a few folks songs that only folk singers remember about the Spanish-American war. “The Battleship of Maine,” for example, is a pretty good anti-war number that the new lost city ramblers used to do.
As it happens, the Talking Heads covered it on an album they did of covers of New Lost City Ramblers tunes about obscure American wars, but it’s real hard to find (only released in Canada). I’d look on e-bay.
June 19, 2008 at 11:14 am
Spike
The Mexican, Spanish-American and Korean Wars were objectively more boring, although the Korean War gets a pass because of M*A*S*H.
June 19, 2008 at 11:21 am
ari
The Mexican-American War? More boring than 1812? Nope, that’s just wrong. But I’m working on a blog post about all of this, so I’ll reveal how wrong you are, Spike, this evening.
June 19, 2008 at 11:36 am
Spike
You only think that because you are in California and I am in Maryland. Around here, 1812 was a pretty big deal. Ft. McHenry, shenanigans around the Chesapeake Bay, redcoats burning of the capital, and all that.
The Mexican War was more of an imperial ass-kicking of a weaker nation – not exactly a novelty in American history.
June 19, 2008 at 11:52 am
Jason B
In my high school our history tests were always just a drilling of the dates and names. I was pissed they never asked me when the War of 1812 occurred.
And The Modesto Kid made me overture a mouthful of water onto my monitor.
Thanks.
June 19, 2008 at 12:05 pm
andrew
What’s a battle?
June 19, 2008 at 1:18 pm
soup biscuit
blueolliie, why did you find that surprising, afaics, that’s pretty much what happened. The `Canada won’ thing is arguable on a couple[*] of points, of course, but not entirely insensible.
* Like, Canada didn’t exist. Also, it was declared a draw or whatever. But that was clearly just to allow the US to save face. If you are the aggressor and fail to take any of the territory you are trying to take, you lost. Besides, they burned the White House.
June 19, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Spike
Yeah, but we burned Toronto.
June 19, 2008 at 2:42 pm
soup biscuit
Burned York, yeah. Not a bad thing, all told.
I still think the formulation: “The US went to war with Britain, and Canada won. ” Captures the essence of the whole mess.
June 19, 2008 at 2:46 pm
andrew
The big losers were the peoples not under the jurisdiction of Britain or the U.S.
June 19, 2008 at 2:54 pm
PGD
Washington was burned to the ground in 1812! How can that be boring? Think of the CNN coverage if that happened today. Not to mention the wonderful music inspired by the war of 1812!
Truly boring American wars: Grenada, Panama, The French and Indian War.
June 19, 2008 at 3:44 pm
urbino
The French and Indian War
But that gave us The Last of the Mohicans, which gave us a Daniel Day-Lewis movie.
June 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Stephen
America’s most boring wars:
1) The Toledo War (1835-36) between Ohio and Michigan (no casualties, although some guy got stabbed with a pen knife)
2) The Honey War (1839) between Iowa and Missouri (no casualties, except for some bees).
America’s most boringly titled war:
The War of the Regulation (1764-1771)
June 19, 2008 at 4:57 pm
John Emerson
The Aroostook war.
June 19, 2008 at 5:15 pm
John Emerson
Note that the Dutch tried to intervene in the Aroostook war. They stubbornly held on to the vestiges of their great-power status right up until WWII.
June 19, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Spike
The fourth French and Indian War was cool. French and Indian Wars 1 and 3 were pretty boring. The second one was ok.
June 19, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Jason B
“But that gave us The Last of the Mohicans, which gave us a Daniel Day-Lewis movie.”
More importantly, it gave Mark Twain conniption fits, which led to generations of Americans being amused by literary criticism for a moment.
I officially love that war now.
June 19, 2008 at 7:48 pm
PGD
I loved that movie! What a performance by Mr. Day-Lewis. He rescues the French and Indian War. Grenada and Panama it is.
Aroostock does not count as a war.
The “War of the Regulation” sounds like what I do at work all day. That makes it pretty boring!
June 19, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Oh, you people. « The Edge of the American West
[…] 19, 2008 in history and current events by ari You’re making me take seriously a post I put up in jest. That said, here’s the thing: wars occupy tiers of significance in American memory. I should […]
June 19, 2008 at 8:25 pm
urbino
More importantly, it gave Mark Twain conniption fits
My favorite Twain conniptions are the ones regarding the German language.
June 19, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Jason B
My favorite Twain conniptions are the ones regarding the German language.
In which collection might I find those fits? I need a good laugh right n– well, pretty much always.
June 19, 2008 at 8:30 pm
The Modesto Kid
Try his The Awful German Language.
June 19, 2008 at 8:36 pm
urbino
Thanks, TMK.
June 19, 2008 at 8:38 pm
The Modesto Kid
Soitenly. Have you read The Tramps Abroad? This essay is the only thing I know about it.
June 19, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Jason B
Twain would have been a big help had he just hinted in his titles what each work would cover.
Sheesh.
June 19, 2008 at 8:47 pm
urbino
Soitenly. Have you read The Tramps Abroad? This essay is the only thing I know about it.
I have, actually, though the fact that this essay was reprinted in it was the primary reason I bought it.
June 19, 2008 at 8:49 pm
urbino
I’m pretty sure there’s another Twain essay about German, floating around out there somewhere, that is even funnier than this one. I’ve seen excerpts from it . . . somewhere. Maybe it’s just a more distilled version of this one. This one is really the text of a “lecture” he gave, right?
June 19, 2008 at 8:53 pm
The Modesto Kid
I have vague memories of seeing different versions of this “Awful German Language” essay, but I could not say where. (Not that it’s confidential or anything, I just don’t recall.)
June 19, 2008 at 9:08 pm
urbino
That’s basically what I’ve got — vague memories.
June 19, 2008 at 9:14 pm
The Modesto Kid
Trade you for some misty, water-colored ones?
June 19, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Stephen
He does a riff on German in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.
“Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. “
June 19, 2008 at 9:21 pm
urbino
Classic. Thanks, Stephen.
I’m more into sepiatones, TMK.
June 19, 2008 at 11:06 pm
eyeingtenure
Get it? Because McCain’s old?
June 20, 2008 at 4:17 am
blueollie
Soup Biscuit: yes, I knew that Canada hadn’t become an independent country. But for me, the war of 1812 was more or less:
1. Brits burned D. C. .
2. Andrew Jackson kicked butt at the Battle of New Orleans, a couple of weeks after the war was officially over.
That’s pretty much it, isn’t it? :)
The people who live in our 51’st state really don’t get how little attention we pay to them, eh? :)
(just kidding… but a country where they punt on 3’rd down and give a point for MISSING a field goal? Really….)
June 20, 2008 at 4:29 am
John Emerson
PGD’s contrarianism WRT the Aroostook War will not pass! The ghost of Hiram T. Smith cries out at this injustice.
June 20, 2008 at 6:24 am
Fiona Erna
How can war be boring :roll:
June 20, 2008 at 8:06 am
Hektor Bim
Actually, in Louisiana the French and Indian War and the War of 1812 are explicitly linked. For the Cajuns, kicking British butt at the Battle of New Orleans was sweet, sweet revenge for the ethnic cleansing of Acadie after the French and Indian War.
June 20, 2008 at 8:23 am
Western Dave
People, people, you are missing so many great things about the War of 1812! Like it started in 1811, and it gave us Americans a dead enemy we could name lots of things after, like towns in Michigan and future Civil War generals. And, it was America’s first two front war. It used to be the only two front war until the Spanish American War went and ruined it for everyone. Plus, you get to talk about Tenskwatawa. And he’s so cool he had an eye patch and wasn’t even a pirate!